Sounds a bit dramatic.
Yesterday I had to go into town to take care of some papers. For context - I recently left my 9 to 5, so there is plenty of time to eat oneself with future prospects or with the lack of those. I took the opportunity to visit Modulor - a famous art supply shop in Berlin - to buy some paper for letters. After finding the right size and colour there was nothing to stop me from wandering around and looking at nice things. In the “Textbook” section there lay the last copy of a book on graphic novels - an old passion of mine. I took it, looked through it, put it back, went around other tables, got back, took it again, looked at the price, put it back, went to the markers’ wall, got back, took it for the last time and went to the cash desk.
Today I have been flipping through the pages, looking at some french BD online (there is a post coming in a couple of months about two of those) and thinking, how cool is it to be able to tell stories visually. My head has been bursting with ideas since I quit antidepressants couple of months ago. Long story short, I have started googling the courses on illustration. Found one. Started one. The last several hours I have been researching the material necessary for the plot.
My head is fuzzy. Heartbeat elevated. I smoke one rolled cigarette after another. Go back to the internet to learn more about graphic novels. My room is in mess of papers and books I have adjacent to the theme. More books ordered. Following advice from the course, moodboard is saved online.
I have been drawing sporadically since childhood, mostly cartoonish character. Never learnt the anatomy or perspective or light. I have zero pencils at home, only a tablet with Procreate. Can my idea potentially be monetised? Don’t think so. Is there a way to actually draw something, tell a huge story and find the audience? Don’t really care. What I have realised, is that I want to study graphic novels academically. For the last five years it was clear, that I’ll have to get back to university one day, but I wanted to find something meaningful, not like the last time, when the acceptance in the uni was the most important factor (after 4 wasted years I have lost my English and cannot for the love of God call myself a proper linguist, we did nothing of this science there). I have already found the right program and was just thinking about what it is I really want to explore. Turns out, the visit yesterday solved this problem. I know what I want to study academically now. Not in the bachelor years, of course, however, who knows. But as a proper nerd, I cannot allow myself to go for the theory alone. I would love to first try the practical aspect to understand what one has to look for, how these works are created. Get the hands dirty, so to speak.
Looking at the watch, it is time to drink some herbal tea and go to sleep, if this is manageable in such an animated state.
P.S. I am still reading "The History of Christianity", but as the classical planning fallacy demands, the thematic quarter will be longer than expected. Still infuriatingly interesting topic!